Last Fall I made a firm commitment to begin exercising again, and I was determined to build a lifelong habit out of it. I started going to the gym three to four times a week and within four weeks I was not only running, but loving it! I was convinced that nothing would be able to stop me from building the kind of healthy lifestyle that I had always dreamed of.
But by the end of the fifth week I knew something was amiss. I started to develop pain in my joints, hips, legs and back. It wasn’t muscular pain; this pain was in the bones, ligaments, and nerves. The pain increased through the sixth week, and by the end of the seventh week I woke up one morning feeling like I could barely walk. I tried to press through it, but it was no use; I reluctantly capitulated to the pain, and my aspirations of a healthy lifestyle came to nothing.
The Simple Fix
However, recently I made a tremendous discovery that has changed the game for me. I’m exercising again as I was before, and yes, I’m experiencing some pain. But the pain is predominantly muscular this time. What’s the difference? Simple: During the entire seven-week process last fall, I engaged in little to no stretching before and after my workouts. My injuries were simply caused by a failure to stretch, and now that I am stretching regularly and correctly, I’m experiencing a tremendous difference in the state of my body.
A physical therapist recently told me that he is confident that 50% of my physiological problems would disappear if I simply stretched every night, and I’m finding him to be 100% correct! And I would surmise that 50% of relational pain could be alleviated by simply stretching your relational muscles on a daily basis.
A lot of relationships are in trouble not because of a lack of compatibility, but because of a lack of adaptability. The initial problem may be that a couple is relationally incompatible, but that is never the ultimate problem. The ultimate problem is that most people are too stiff . . . as soon as you feel a little bit of relational pain, you react negatively and quit the exercise! But stretching can only do you good if you hold the position at the place of resistance.
Stretching is by definition the process of extending the range of motion of your muscles beyond their current capability. This means that you have to take them to the limit every day and hold that position for 30 seconds. If you do this consistently, your limbs will become more limber, and your body will become more agile.
The Complex Challenge
Relational agility is not an inborn ability; it is a skill that is learned through relational stretching. If you can stretch your body, you can stretch your emotions. Wherever your limit is, find it and hang out in that spot today. Then tomorrow, find it again and hangout there for a while. Repeat daily until your relational range of motion gets to where you desire it to be.
Stretching relationally means entertaining ideas that you don’t naturally understand. Incompatibility produces relational pain because it generates misunderstanding. But this also provides you with an opportunity to stretch your relational muscles. Moving from misunderstanding to new understanding is possible, if you are willing to stretch.
Or, you can just punk out by assuming that your spouse is an idiot and that there is absolutely no credence at all to his/her point of view. Judging your spouse is not a sign that you are right; it is simply a sign that you are relationally stiff and unwilling to stretch.
When I stretch at night, I have to stretch three major muscle-groups in order to achieve dexterity: my hamstrings, quadracepts, and lower back. If I stretch one group but not the others it will cause that one group to overcompensate for the inflexibility of the others, which will lead me to more problems. Likewise, there are also three major relational muscle-groups that you need to stretch in order to generate relational compatibility: your thoughts (mind), your feelings (emotions), and your decisions (will). You must be willing to stretch in all three areas if you are going to grow in your ability to connect relationally.
Stretching your mind is about striving to connect with the logic behind behaviors, perspectives, and values that you don’t naturally understand. You can stretch your mind by asking questions with the sincere intent to understand (rather than asking with the intent to refute, which is the definition of an argument). You can stretch your heart by striving to connect with the feelings and emotions behind behaviors, perspectives, and values that you don’t naturally understand. One way to do this is by reflecting upon experiences from your own past in which you felt the way your partner is feeling. You can stretch your will by striving to make the changes necessary to accommodate your spouse’s heartfelt desires. What will help you to do this is remembering that just because something is not a big deal to you doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be a big deal for your spouse.
Incompatibility is a Gift
From this perspective we are able to see that incompatibility can actually be a gift from God because it will require you to stretch, and if you stretch, you’ll develop a greater range of relational motion than you would have otherwise. A high level of compatibility may make for a low level of relational pain, but it also makes for a low level of emotional development.
My wife Sunhee and I have a very low level of relational compatibility, and we have caused one another a tremendous amount of pain over the years. Yet, I can honestly say that the pain has made us both grow in ways that we not have without each other. And we have discovered that incompatibility is not immutable; we’ve created our own unique blend of compatibility, and it suits us just right. We’ve learned to love one another through the misunderstandings and celebrate one another’s weaknesses as opportunities for bearing one another’s burdens. And I think I speak for both of us when I say that we are mutually thankful to one another for being God’s instrument of sanctification and character development in each other’s lives.
Next week Sunhee and I will celebrate 15 wonderful years of marriage. We are going away for the week with our daughter, and we are going to have a blast! In fact, I can honestly say that this trip will be much better than our honeymoon because we’ve both done a lot of relational stretching over the past 15 years. And because of it, our love is a lifelong habit that nothing will ever stop. You’ve only just begun to see us run together!