Why an Email is a Terrible Place to Hide

A few months ago, as I was going through some old emails, I came across a scathing message I received from a disgruntled, former member of our congregation from several years ago.

The tone of the email was so harsh and the words so explosive that just reading the opening line of it caused my heart rate to increase and beads of sweat to begin to congeal on my forehead as the memory of that situation rushed back into my consciousness in crystalline detail.

While this example is somewhat extreme (I don’t believe I’ve ever received an email at any other time that caused me such pain), it underscores a very basic rule that we should all heed if we desire to maintain healthy relationships in the workplace (or in any place, for that matter): If you have something hard to say, say it in person; don’t hide behind an email!

There are three reasons why this rule is a good one:

1. Whatever you write, you publish, and that makes it permanent. The memory of a difficult face-to-face conversation is far less painful than the discovery of a harsh email. This is a positive application of the phenomenon we call selective memory; once you resolve a conflict in person, you will remember the conversation through the lens of its resolution. But an email preserves the memory of every single ill word that was spoken, and you will have a record of it forever.

2. Face-to-face communication is multi-dimensional. It’s not just words, but inflections and body language, and so it allows for a more nuanced conversation. Emails, on the other hand, are one-dimensional. Your words are all you get, and when you are hurt by something, you are not the best candidate for the communicator of the year award. Even slightly negative comments in an email can be easily misconstrued to mean things that are far worse than they were intended to mean. On the other hand, in face-to-face communication, even the harshest statements can be communicated in ways that convey grace, love, and deep concern.

3. It’s easier to be bold in an email and write things that you would never say in person. In a face-to-face conversation you have to deal with the presence of your interlocutor, which forces you to face the resistance of their point of view. An email is a monologue, and it can very easily become a diatribe.

The very act of communicating something face-to-face is an intimacy building exercise, even if the content of that communication is negative. The awkwardness of face-to-face conflict is the stuff that intimacy is made of. Intimacy is built as two people agree to push through awkwardness and conflict until they have connected. But a poorly constructed email can become a long-term barrier to the cultivation of intimacy.

And this is why I immediately deleted that whole email chain when I saw it. Love keeps no record of wrongs, and it covers a multitude of sins. If I hadn’t deleted that email chain, I would always remember the person who wrote it to me through the lens of that conversation, and that’s just not fair!

Share your thoughts:

Are there any emails that you wish you hadn’t written? Are there any emails that you need to go back and delete? Or maybe you were just about to write one . . .